i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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