and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Is it penis luge time yet?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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