So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
