3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
