i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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