apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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