Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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