im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
