Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The best revenge is premature balding
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
