Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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