I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?