When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
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I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
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do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.