Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Randomize
