I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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