the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
if only i could text you this smell
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
