Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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