If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
