Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
