Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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