we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
