i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
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Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
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the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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