I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
