oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My cat gives me a boner
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
