We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
