You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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