She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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