I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize