HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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