i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
we're so committed to being not committed
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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