my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
