I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
