If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
