Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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