found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
