u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
