Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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