I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
