I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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