a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I want her autograph on my taint
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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