One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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