My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
