Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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