Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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