If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
