He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
