she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
