So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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