why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
