My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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