Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
