im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
