hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
