I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
