i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
