Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
