Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
