I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
