Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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